I have a question...
I have a question…
Q. What do
the following have in common?
- A CEO referred for coaching
- A Team Leader with a grievance lodged against the
- 500 employees listening to the announcement of organisational change
- A couple experiencing conflict
Vulnerability
is not a very Corporate sounding word and consequently, this is a bold
assertion. I’m not sure there are many MBA units dedicated to the
topic. Yet in my 20 years of working with people in the board room, the
counselling room and the class room, how people respond to vulnerability is the
fastest way I have of getting to know both their capacity for learning and
their most powerful development task.
Brene Brown
writes extensively in this area, and notes the intolerance we have developed in
the present day for vulnerability. Take emailing over face to face
communication. Face to face communication brings uncertainty of how the
conversation will unfold. It is dynamic and emerges as we speak. It
may not go well. Electronic communication doesn’t have the
same vulnerability and is therefore becoming increasingly the communication
method of choice. We can take our time. Draft and redraft. There is no
delete key to wipe a conversation away word by word and try again.
Vulnerability
tolerance is about the ability we have to sit with uncertainty, disquiet ,
conflict or distress, and not do anything with it. For most of us, when
organisational change is announced we need to make a story from the
uncertainty. This may be dangerous for me. I bet they knew about
this ages ago. When a complaint is lodged or a relationship is ending
– It’s not my fault or “I must have done something wrong.” The
desire to run toward or against; to put up a wall or to blame, is engaged in a
millisecond.
It is a
little like being caught in a rip out to sea. Rips don’t hurt you
(neither does emotional vulnerability have a death toll that I can find
evidence of!). The panic is what kills people – the rip itself will
always pass. Such is our aversion to vulnerability that anything is
better than it. Brown states that even when people are experiencing great
joy such as watching their child peacefully sleep, it often creates a
vulnerability in them that is quite profound. What if something
happens to her? When a partner criticises us; Go ahead and leave,
I don’t need this. When a team project doesn’t go well; It’s not my
fault – there weren’t enough resources.
The next time
you hear the unrest of vulnerability, my very humbling vantage point in the
world has taught me you will have 3 options:
- Leap over the sandbags and position yourself in the trench, gun at the ready.
- Crumble, in sheer devastation.
- Sit cross legged in the middle of it.
For most of
us, we try different positions on this first. Either the cold war or
defensive response for some time before then softening into reflection; or the
tears and distress followed by consideration.
Option 3 is
your chance to be a better leader. A more connected person. A more
present family member. You see, when we are not fearing or avoiding
vulnerability, we don’t need to man the radar and keep a look out for
danger. We can absorb every learning opportunity knowing that
vulnerability, like the rip, will pass. It will pass on its own, and
engaging in panic and damage to ourselves or those around us is the optional
extra.
So a
challenge, if you will?
The next time
you feel vulnerable, don’t do anything except notice it. You may
hold that for a second, or even an hour, before you start trying to make sense
of that. I promise you that the longer you can just notice it and not
react to it, the faster it will teach you something important, and then
pass. And the faster, more than anything, that you will be the kind of
leader, partner or parent you aspire to being.
Peta Slocombe
is the Managing Director of Vital Conversations www.vitalconversations.com.au, follow her
on twitter @VitalConvos
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